[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
You Might Also Like
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass