My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
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Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.