The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
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People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Just as the prophecy foretold
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Time for evil
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs