Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
You Might Also Like
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Become ungovernable.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?