“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
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Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Covid like
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
I’m having an out of money experience.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next