If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
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Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
I love twitter
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Introverted vegans go meetless