My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
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My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.