Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
You Might Also Like
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
These aliens are taking forever.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.