I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
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You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
getting groceries
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Monday
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.