As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
You Might Also Like
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?