*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
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I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
For the orator and chef in all of us
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021