Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
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*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
mood
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*