Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
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Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
the Monday after daylight savings
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?