I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
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One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef