they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
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Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].