[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
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I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
when nothing goes right… go left
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse