SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
You Might Also Like
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”