My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
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I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.