getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
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People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves