A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
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Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.