Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
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MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.