uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
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If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know