[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
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I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
accurate
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!