[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
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If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.