My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
You Might Also Like
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.