My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
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Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor