I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
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“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.