How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
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Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
🤣
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.