“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
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*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Spotted in New Orleans.
😲 WTF? 😆
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.