[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
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Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
thinking about a very short hotdog
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
How to find Kentucky on a map
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Who called it baking and not making love
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.