Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
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Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish