Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
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My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
I might carry a baby with one hand.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease