You had me at “define legal”.
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me hitting on a model
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.