m’lady
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just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
pep talk
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.