Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
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The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.