god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
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I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.