Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
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Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Yup.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*