Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
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i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
the simulation is moving too fast
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”