Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
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Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
I bet birds love this building.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
guys i’ve cracked the code
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own