My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
You Might Also Like
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?