If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
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Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough