Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
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I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios