ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
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Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.