My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
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walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.