*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
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I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.