*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
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Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Reporter: *ports again*