We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
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wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
I’m having an out of money experience.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.