[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
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Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.