torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
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me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.