When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
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Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Basically.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.